The Magic it Would Take 
By Jean Helms (jeanlhelms@yahoo.com)

Rating: Strong R
Pairing: Harm/Renee (yes, really)
Spoilers: US season six, especially "Touch and Go," and "Retreat,
Hell"
Disclaimer: I am not making any money off this. I wouldn't do that
to Bellisarius,
which has made me a very happy woman through nearly a decade of JAG.
Dedication: To Jori and MoJo

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

He finds me entertaining.

Hey, you know me ... I'm in the entertainment business. Entertain 'em
and leave 'em laughing. Drama's too depressing for most test
audiences. Leave that for the theater folks.

Or the girls with the soft pink sweaters that match their skirts ...
the ones where the sweater and the skirt and even the blouse not only
come from the same label, they were bought the same season, off the
same rack ... I mean, they were actually made to go together, you
know? I knew a lot of girls like that in school.

They knew where to find ribbons for their hair, too ... pretty
ribbons. They matched the sweaters, even though they didn't come off
the same rack.

I never knew how they did that.

Well, hell, if you can't afford clothes with the right label, go for
eccentric, I say. Forget the hand-me-downs and the church rummage
sale. Get down to that thrift shop and find something really
outrageous.

I'll bet I was the only girl at my high school who ever showed up for
class wearing used clerical shirts without the collar.

Yeah, it looked a little strange ... but see, the thing is, if you go
that far outside the lines, nobody ever thinks you were trying to look
like one of the pink-sweater girls and just failed, just didn't have
the money or didn't know how. You can pretend you didn't care, you
wouldn't want to look like one of those girls if they paid you. Black
with no collar, that's what you like.

Works every time. Keep 'em laughing at your jokes and they'll never
laugh at you. If there was a class clown's manual, that'd be on page
1.

When you get older, you can always switch to skin-tight blouses
trimmed with marabou. Same principle. Nobody'll ever mistake you for
the next woman in the navy-blue suit, unless of course the next woman
really is in the Navy.

Or the Marine Corps.

Ha. Who am I kidding? No one's ever going to mistake me for her,
either.

Unless ... he's thinking about her while I'm in his arms. I guess he
might make that mistake once or twice. 

Or course, it could have been a slip of the tongue. "Mac" sounds a lot
like "Renee."

In Lithuanian ... backwards ... at half speed ... if you're drunk.

But hey, folks, I'm really entertaining, you know? I make him laugh,
boy.

Well, at least he tried to make it up to me. That was really sweet,
buying those flowers ... and the picture of his mom and dad -- that
was a nice touch. It really got to me. Really.

I know he wants me in his life. Heck, not even all his reasons are
bad, you know? He likes me a lot, even if he wouldn't exactly answer
me when I asked him if I was second best.

I don't really need an answer from him. I already know. It's okay,
most of the time.

I can still hope for a miracle.

He didn't really answer me when I asked him if he was in love with
her, either, but I didn't really notice that until a lot later. Fight
like cats and dogs ... yeah, baby, sure you do. That's why you stopped
laughing when you saw me the other day, isn't it? You and she were so
busy "fighting" about how you always know where she is and all that
stuff and when you saw me ... well, hey, end of fight, right?

God, baby, I would give anything to know what it was like for you to
be half as happy to see me as you are to se her.

Maybe it's not your fault. You can't fall in love with somebody you
don't know, and nobody knows me. I'm not sure there is a me. I'm
nobody. I never was anybody, just Renee from the wrong side of town in
her stupid thrift store clothes. Renee who desperately wanted to play
the Blessed Virgin Mary in the Christmas pageant at church, but that
part went to one of those pretty girls in the matching outfits whose
hair was smooth and pretty ... Renee, who didn't figure out until
graduation night that people were laughing at her behind her back for
having such a desperate crush on the principal's son and that he was
making jokes about her to all his friends ...

Renee's nobody. But give me a camera and a microphone, and people pay
attention, buddy. They stand up tall and they're scared of me, they
don't mess around. It's the only place I really exist, Harm ... if I
don't have film at the end of the day, I can't be sure they're not
laughing at me again.

I'm not a lawyer with a chest full of medals and people don't salute
me. You don't ask my advice, you don't take me with you when you go to
sea or into a courtroom or to a Marine base because I'm stupid and I
can't do a damn thing to help you.

But hey, baby, I can make you laugh ... and I can make you smile ...
and I can hold you in my arms at night and make you come.

Night after night, I try to think of new ways to do that. Anything you
want from me, you've got, I tell you, and you smile and you touch my
face and say you're lucky you found me, and that's so good because
it's the closest you ever come to saying what I want to hear.

I take you in my mouth and try to make my tongue tell you while I'm
sucking you what you won't let it tell you while I'm talking to you,
which is that I love you, baby. I love you so much I could die and I
want you to love me, I want it so much.

And maybe later, I'll lie under you while you're inside me, I'll rest
my head on your shoulder so you can't see me, and it's the only time I
can let my face show what I feel for you. The stupid smile is gone and
I'm not trying to entertain anyone, and I wrap my arms and legs around
you and my hands touch you so softly, because I know you can't see my
face and you're not paying attention to my hands. I do all that and I
pray you won't call me by the wrong name. 

Afterward, I hold you for as long as you'll let me, and it's never
very long, but I always pretend that you want to feel how much I love
you even though I know you're just resting until you feel like you can
get up.

You always tell me it was good, and I smile that big stupid smile and
tell you what a stud you are or some stupid thing, you know, like it's
one of my really entertaining jokes, and the kiss you give me never
lasts long enough ... well, anyway, I mean, I can't feel it anymore by
the time you get to the bathroom sink.

But hey, you know me ... I've always got it back together by the time
you get back, and I've got my smile on and I'm ready to go to sleep.
Flannel pajamas, that's my style ... I mean, if I went for anything
satin or slinky or anything like that, people might laugh at me
instead of with me, you know?

Can't have that.

Nope. Keep 'em laughing, that's the way you do it.

That's what keeps 'em coming back.

Good night, love ...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

If I Could Reach You
The Fifth Dimension

Oh, no, don't go,
It's hours till dawn,
And there's no one who'd rather be with you.

I know you know other girls like me,
I let you take my love,
Knowing you don't love me.

But if I could reach you some way,
If I knew the magic it would take,
To love you good enough on the outside,
And make you feel it on the inside,
Maybe I could make you stay ...

If I could reach you ...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~